CABARET

Date of Run: September 15-October 16, 2022

Role: Max, u/s for Ernst Ludwig 

Production photos by Eric Chazankin

Once upon a time, after the end of Rent, I made no secret that I didn't really want to do another show. Ever. Covid precautions meant that rehearsals would be in masks, which made things much more difficult: harder to breathe while singing and dancing, not to mention hotter, there would have to be many Covid tests taken during rehearsals and performances and shows now could be cancelled should somebody be infected. In other words, doing a show was a crapshoot. After losing two months of my life with the cancelled show Tommy, I wondered if it was worth my time. Even doing Rent heavily tested my desire to do theatre. But as they say, "Old habits die hard."

In the time that followed, I tried to ignore audition notices, but I couldn't. I may have left the Facebook group page that was all about audition notices in the North Bay, but that didn’t do much to stop me seeing them since they were posted on other theatre group pages. It was easy at first, since just about every company was doing mostly shows that had no role for someone like me. And then I realized there were two things that made it impossible for me to quit altogether. The first was my new job which was working in a warehouse. It’s very hard doing that kind of work, physically speaking. A few months in, I thought, “There has to be more to my life than just working and working and working.”

The other thing was I had not originally thought of the one person, the only person in the audience that mattered to me: my mother. Coming to see me do shows was something she enjoyed doing and I realized I couldn't deprive her of that.

And lo and behold, I somehow found myself doing another show. And not even very long after Rent closed- only five months. This show was staged at 6^th Street Playhouse in Santa Rosa, which I had not performed at since Guys and Dolls, four years previously. The director of this show was Jared Sakren, the music director was Nate Riebli, and the choreographer was Devin Parker Sullivan.

I have to say that when I was cast in the show, given what my role was, I expected it to be one of my lesser interesting experiences. I thought it might even be boring. For the longest time it seemed that that would be the case. Boy, was I wrong. What I got instead was a real adventure of an experience.

To begin, I expressed interest in this show at the general auditions which were in late April. For my song choice, I selected “All I Care About” from Chicago. It was just Jared and the accompanist in the room with me. To be honest, I mainly signed up to do generals at this company because I saw on the sign-up list online that two good friends were auditioning, and I decided to go see them. I went in first, did my shtick, waited for them, and I confessed to them that I was honestly not expecting to be called back for...anything actually. In fact, I would have been stunned if it happened.

Fast forward to two months later at the end of June and I see an announcement on Facebook for dance auditions for Cabaret, which would be to cast four women and two men to be the Kit Kat Klub dancers. Why not? I suspected they had callbacks or cast the main roles already. The auditions would be held over two days, the first in the evening, the second in the middle of the day. I attended the first date since I figured it would be cooler outside after it was over. It was a small group with not even half a dozen people. Since it was a small group, Devin asked us all to come back for the second day of auditions. 

The second day, only three people from the previous day attended, while three new people joined. In a way, it was a blessing because we could get more attention from Devin. And I could tell she would be good as a choreographer. She was a professional dancer who loved Bob Fosse and also did a lot of partner work.

The auditions themselves were a little unorthodox compared to what I’ve done in the past. Devin played a number of songs that were not actually in Cabaret, but popular songs that she used in dance classes. It was mainly to see how we did with movement. She threw in quite a few routines. If she didn’t have a song, she’d say to the person assisting her “Just play a song and I’ll make something up.” She even showed how to do lifts and I got to do one for the first time ever! I thought that was awesome. After the second day I thought, even if I weren’t to get in, it was a rather fun two days of dancing.

Two weeks went by as I waited to hear anything and then I saw they were having another day of dance auditions in mid-July. I wondered “Was I not good enough? They haven’t contacted me and that’s usually not a good thing.” Then one week after that, I got a phone call from Jared (All right!) Fortunately for me, I was on a break at work and able to answer immediately. He asked me if I was still available for Cabaret (YES!), and he asked me to come in and read for the role of Max (Ok. Not an outright offer like I was hoping, but Ok). And who the hell was Max? I knew the musical was not like the film so I couldn’t reference from there, but I had seen a production of Cabaret in San Francisco in 2019 and I didn’t remember anyone named Max. Of course, the main thing I remembered from that production was the actress who played Sally Bowles (Amazing) and she eclipsed about everything else in my mind.

At the playhouse the next day, it was me, a man named Izaak, a woman named Tara, who had been at the dance auditions and another woman. Izaak had been cast as Ernst Ludwig and understudy for Cliff Bradshaw, which he’d played before, and Tara had been cast as one of the Kit Kat Girls and Fraulein Kost. I couldn’t say for what the other wonan was being considered. We couldn’t do whatever it was that Jared had in mind because we had to wait for the actor playing the Emcee to arrive. In the meantime, Devin was also there, and she decided to see how the new person moved so she decided to show some of the dancing. To pass the time, the rest of us joined in. After warm-ups, this time we learned a few steps from “Willkommen” and “Money, Money.” Also, Isaac and I did some scales with Nate, since he wanted to hear our voices and ranges.

After an hour and a half, Jared decided to release us and he offered me the role of Max, which I accepted. He also told me, since we were living in the age of Covid now, that he’d have me understudy the role of Ernst and maybe the Kit Kat boys. Having to learn not just my own role, but at least two others? Ooh, this was going to me some of hardest work yet. It meant not just someone’s blocking, but also someone’s songs, not to mention learning a German accent no matter the role.

Izaak and I left at the same time, chatting when the conversation turned to understudies and how I was his. I said to him “So please don’t get Covid, or at least get it now and get over it,” only for him to remark that if the actor playing Cliff couldn’t go on, he’d have to fill in for him and I’d have to fill in as Ernst. Shoot! I didn’t take that into account.

As my last free days before rehearsals flew by, I could only wait and hope I wasn't making a mistake. I dreaded that it would be a repeat of Tommy and never make it to opening. I dreaded I wouldn’t be adequately prepared to go on for someone else, no matter how hard I worked at it. And, truthfully, I had half hoped I wouldn’t be cast in this show. I had a few things planned for some dates in August through October and now with being in a show, it would be difficult to keep those plans. I’d have to move a few things around or even cancel them altogether.

In addition to myself, the cast included Damion Matthews, Michael Strelo-Smith, Erin Solorio, Ginger Beavers, Dwayne Stincelli, Izaak Heath, Madeline Brown, Tara Roberts, Grace Kent, Malia Abayon, Stephanie Fields, Noah Bartolome, Nafe Nafe, Alexander Howard, Jacinta Gorringe, and Austin Aquino-Harrison.

During the first read-through, Damion (who played the lead role, Cliff) was not available. He was on a vacation on an island somewhere and they weren’t able to include him over Zoom. Normally, Izaak would have been Ernst, and I would have been Max. However, all of the Ernst scenes involved Cliff so, to avoid confusion, Jared had Izaak read for Cliff, I read for Ernst and Noah read for Max since he was my understudy. The first day and already the understudies have to fill in! During the read through I muddled through with a German accent and said the German words the best I could, butchering one or two of them, I'm sure.

We did not exactly read and sing the whole show. We read the dialogue, but for the songs we did maybe half of a song, before Nate cut it off to save on time. Even so, it seemed like it would be a very good show. Michael, who played our Emcee, was very entertaining. During his spoken lines, he was making the role his own already and I couldn’t help but smile at it. And the fact that he brought his cute little dog to rehearsal didn’t hurt anything.

Dwayne and Ginger, who were playing Herr Schultz and Fraulein Schneider respectively, already had good chemistry. In one of the duets the two have together, “It Couldn’t Please Me More,” Schultz brings Schneider a pineapple as a gift, and wouldn’t you know it? Dwayne actually brought a pineapple to rehearsal!

For my part, I had only had six lines in the show, but it wasn’t going to be too relaxing for me. In pre-Covid times, when understudies were not a thing in community theatre, then maybe, but now? Not quite so much. Not only did I have to learn the lines for Ernst as if they were my own, but I had to learn a few sentences in German for that role and a German accent. I didn’t envy Izaak though; he was playing Ernst and understudying for Cliff and since all of Ernst’s scenes include Cliff, it meant Izaak had to memorize the entire scene.

The following Sunday was our first dialect rehearsal, which was done over Zoom. The dialect coach, John Rustan, had a back surgery scheduled for that week so he had to be cautious about being in a room with many other people. I wish it had been in person because it went very badly on my end. I don’t know if it was just me, but the sound and video from John was a bit distorted. I spent quite a few days after that going over the script and the dialect papers, jotting down notes on how to say certain words (ie. Changing w’s to v’s, changing b’s to p’s and so on).

At first, my rehearsals were spare. For the first two weeks, I was only there once a week. At the second rehearsal where I was at the theater, I had to step in as Ernst again because Damion got Covid. At least he got it early on; I thought “Now he might not necessarily get it during the run of the show.” That being the case, if I ever got to go on Ernst during the run, it would have to be if Izaak couldn’t go on.

Two weeks before opening, we were informed that one performance would be an “understudy performance.” One night where the understudies would get to go on! Oh boy. Definitely had to make doubly sure I had all the lines memorized. Ernst had five scenes in the show and one song, “Tomorrow Belongs to Me (Reprise).” Truth be told, I didn’t actually have a cast recording of Cabaret in my collection. I had several other cast recordings of Broadway musicals, but not that show. Not the original from the 1960s, not the film, not even the 1998 Broadway cast. It’s not a long song, but it’s in four different keys. On my lunch break at work for at least two days I would listen to the 1998 recording over and over again until I was sure I at least had the lyrics memorized. I hoped that the understudy performance would be on a weekend when my mother could come see it.

Letting the understudies have a moment to shine? Or a way to keep us on our toes? You be the judge.

I looked forward to my costume fitting. I wondered what they’d have Max wearing. Jared had only one clue which he mentioned to me more than once: a monocle. Interesting. I had never even worn glasses in a show before then, let alone a monocle. I assumed it would be business as usual: I go in, try on whatever the costume designer had in mind and leave. Then I went in for my appointment.

The first thing she asked me was “What do you envision Max wearing?” Err…I hadn’t really thought about it. I assumed a suit of some kind. She had a tuxedo in mind. Though I didn’t pay any mind as to what he’d wear, it a tuxedo certainly didn’t pop into my mind. She next asked me if I had looked up the Berlin Cabaret period for what they wore. Why would I? I assumed it was her job to do that. Unfortunately, she didn’t have anything pulled for me when I went in, so I had to wait until she pulled down some suits. But everything I tried on was either too big or the arms were too short. Finally, we came to a hideous brown suit, which fit if taken in here, let out there. I felt it could work; maybe Max didn’t have good taste in clothing. She asked if I liked it. It didn’t matter if I did or not because in community theatre you don’t have that luxury. If only one period piece in the entire costume shop fits you, that’s what you wear.

My character was a very minor role. I had only one scene where I actually spoke, I sang at the end of “Tomorrow Belongs to Me (reprise),” I had one scene where I was in a fight and all my other scenes involved me sitting at a table onstage (more on that in the next two paragraphs). As we inched closer and closer to opening, I began to wonder why I was in the show at all. They could have cut my role and it wouldn’t have had any effect on the show at all. I wished I had gotten to be a dancer because then I would have felt like I did matter to the show. About two weeks before opening, when we got to staging my one talking scene, Jared cut four lines, two of mine, two of Sally’s. Whatever his reason, all I could think was “Don’t take that from me, it’s all I’ve got.” But there was nothing to be done; if the director says this is the way it is, that's the way it is.

We’ll come to the design of the show in a moment, and it will be apparent for what I did in the show, but this was the gist of it: sit at a table, alone, just smoking, drinking and reading a paper all night. A lot of stage time, but I still think cutting my role would be what a lot of directors would do. That or just have one of the dancers double as Max.

The set design for the show was essentially that the cabaret was always present even in scenes that didn’t actually take place there. The back wall of the set had an archway in the middle with a curtain that would be open for Cabaret scenes and closed for any other scenes. On either side of the archway was a door used for entrances and exits. Beyond that wall was another wall with a sliding door that was meant to be on a train and only used at the end of the show. The orchestra was situated on stage right. On stage left, there was a platform with three sets of tables and chairs with each table having a little lamp, a telephone and an ashtray. Two steps went up the platform and out a doorway for entrances and exits. Above the stage was a sign that read “Kit Kat Klub.” The back wall was painted a deep red and an elegant design was painted on the stage. A fog machine was employed offstage at certain moments for atmosphere. Behind the back wall were scrims that were used to show projections. For scenes that took place outside the cabaret, an assortment of furniture and props were brought on and taken offstage.

One or two people felt the concept of everything taking place inside the cabaret was absurd. Some, I included, thought we could have sold tickets to audience members to sit at those tables in the show. Maybe even have the actors interact with them. Still, it was a beautiful set.

 

The set with the work lights on. This photo and lighting give the best visual of my description.

One week before opening, Jared had me sit at one of the tables on the platform in each scene, except for two scenes in both acts. He hoped very hard to get other people there as well, but it took some time before that happened. Izaak joined me in a few scenes, but the dancers were noncommittal about it at first because they were fretting over their costume changes. They were told repeatedly by Christine, the production manager, that they had more time to change than they thought, but it was a while before that sank in. The creative team also didn’t want the women’s costumes to be revealed before the number in which they appear, so the women were no option for one or two scenes. By the time of opening, we had more people joining me, except during “Money, Money,” because there was no one who could be there or whose character would be there, no matter how many times Jared asked if anyone could join me.

Two of the tables. I mainly sat at the one in the back during the show

The main thing that didn’t make the experience as fun was that I didn’t really get to know anyone in the show during the entire rehearsal process. My rehearsals in the first few weeks were one or, at the most, two a week. I could see the dancers had formed quite a bond in the time they had rehearsed their dances. From sitting at my table, I could see they were very familiar with each other, hands on legs, behinds, wherever (all with consent, of course). Even offstage they were very comfortable with each other, sitting on laps, going into hugs, etc. I didn’t have that connection with them, so I didn’t feel comfortable asking for anything onstage, like even a peck on the cheek. I did eventually ask the three male dancers if they minded behind smacked on the behind as they left the stage in one scene (one did mind). Noah eventually bore the brunt of that, but he didn’t seem to mind; I think he even enjoyed it.

I had one intimate moment with Erin onstage. In the scene immediately before she sings the title song, it opened with the two of us kissing. She wasn’t the first woman I’d kissed onstage, but this was the first show when I worked with an intimacy director, Chelsea Pace. Pace was a professional, top of her field, who had worked for TV, film and even the award-winning Broadway musical A Strange Loop. Erin and I had one session with her, in which we discussed how to sit, where our hands should be, what would lead to the kiss and touching palms to substitute the kiss until we were ready for lips. Time passed by and we did not actually kiss until the night before our first audience performance. And leading up to that, there was some trouble.

The first time I kissed a woman onstage was three years earlier and that time was easier compared to this one since in that show, I already knew the actress beforehand. But who was Erin? I never spent any time with her because I shared no dance rehearsals with her and my one dialogue scene with her required only a few minutes of rehearsal so even by opening, she was still a stranger to me. Unfortunately, we were not on the same wavelength. One night she asked me if we could do our kiss for real, but when it came to it, I couldn’t go through with it. And I made one foolish mistake: I put my hand on her leg instead of her back like I was supposed to. My one defense is that there was a table between us, which was not the case during the session with Chelsea, and her back seemed further than it actually was. I felt so ashamed when she asked me not to do that again.  

Intimacy directors are important in this day and age and consent is key, I won’t say otherwise. But, in my case, it seemed to be less helpful. For at least two days leading up to when the kiss finally happened for real, I was incredibly nervous. I found myself questioning every physical interaction I ever had onstage with…well, anyone, and wondering whether I had crossed some line. That state of mind certainly didn’t help with my nerves. More than once, I thought about asking if we could stage it so that we were angled so that it seemed like we were kissing, but our lips wouldn’t touch. But on Tuesday before opening, she finally kissed me. It wasn’t as pleasant as it might have been because I had to wear a fake and pokey mustache in the show (I called it a "caterpillar"). I tried to spare her of any discomfort the best I could. I was trembling with nerves after it was over, and I was offstage. Two days later she asked if she could check in on how it was going and reminded me that Chelsea said it was a closed lips kiss. I honestly did not recall that ever having been said during our session. It wasn’t until the Saturday performance when I felt relaxed enough to realize her hand was touching my face. She was supposed to do that, but my nerves were so high, I literally did not feel it before.

I worked in a warehouse. I lifted or moved heavy boxes with expensive equipment, I drove a forklift and an order picker which, if it hit you, could damage your body even at the slowest speed and could raise up to dizzying heights. I was around chemicals that you did not want to get on your skin or inhale. But even all that together made me less nervous than this one kiss.

Before moving on from this part of the story, I should point out that I do not hold anything against Erin for this experience. I accept full responsibility for my mistakes. My mind and nerves got the better of me. She wasn’t rude or impolite toward me and she didn’t feel the need to request an intervention from the management, not even when I’d made mistakes. She was direct and matter of fact, which I appreciated, and I did my best to accommodate her so that she would feel safe onstage and that what we did was consensual. I was also grateful that she brought mouthwash for the cast on opening. I always made sure to use it before the second act and discreetly pop in a couple of breath mints before that moment. I don’t know whether she noticed or not, but I felt better about doing it.

An integral part of the story of Cabaret is the ever-present rise of fascism and Nazism. At the end of the first act with the song “Tomorrow Belongs to Me (reprise),” the entire cast is supposed to end it with a Nazi salute. But when we first staged that scene, Stephanie in particular, had a problem with it. She was originally from Texas and had many family members who were die hard Trump loving MAGA people. People with whom she had no further relationship. As such, with the state of the country being what it was, she felt conflicted with doing that salute, even if no one believed she the person would do that. A few people including her wanted to have a discussion about this. In the end we all did the salute, but some of us, as our characters, did it as though their faces had a look of reluctance.

I also grew up in a red, or at least a very light blue, area. My parents were registered Republicans, albeit liberal ones by today’s standards, comparatively speaking, and a number of people I knew from my hometown supported Trump. It’s hard knowing that little tidbit, but by this time, I had learned to compartmentalize these things. I couldn’t rightly just throw away decades of birthdays, Christmases, Easters, and so forth. Especially not since they were the people who had been there for me the most in my life.

That wasn't the only part of the show where the point was missed. In the song "If You Could See Her," the Emcee sings and dances with a person in a gorilla suit, but in this production, it was Devin dressed as a ballerina and wearing a small mask that looked more like a cat than a gorilla. The reason was she always wanted to look good when she performed. Why not give the role to someone else, you might wonder? Because she was the choreographer, and she decided who danced in what scene. It completely ruined the point of the song if you ask me.

This time around with tech weekend, it was rather stressful, for some more than others. There was quite a lot of bickering and raised voices between Jared and the rest of the creative team. At one point all the designers walked out of the room. This was only the second time I had been at a tech weekend rehearsal since starting a new job. Previously, I was never able to attend because I worked all day, and I wondered “Has it always been this way?” I did my best to stay out of the way of the crew. Things boiled over by the second day. At one point the speaker in the dressing room suddenly started blasting, loudly. Michael (the Emcee) screamed “Turn that down!” and carried on yelling at them outside on the stage. Shortly after, he came back in, got his things and walked out. We were all worried about that; we wondered if he quit. But he did come back in the end, much to our relief. The stage manager had to sit us all down for a talking to that day.

One of the biggest points of contention was the dances now that we were on the actual stage with the lighting and costumes. Alex in particular was very worried about them. He was worried about the spacing now that we had to worry about lighting and whether there's be enough time for costume changes, and he also wasn’t happy with less warm-up time before a show. Physical warm-ups would be, at most, ten minutes, and apparently, even twenty wasn’t sufficient in his opinion. That was too bad because we had other things to do: fight call, lift call (meaning parts in the dances where people were lifted in the air), vocal warm-up, mic check, intimacy call, not to mention getting into hair and makeup) and go time was 7:30 or 2:00. Personally, I think he was worrying a little too much over nothing. I was onstage watching every dance number and, from where I was sitting, they looked great.

The other thing that several people were worried about was that the Wednesday and Thursday rehearsals of tech week were invited dress rehearsals. An audience would be there, but they would be informed these were technically dress rehearsals and they would be stopped if something needed to be addressed or fixed. Several in the cast worried that since we’d only get one rehearsal with everything before getting an audience, there wouldn’t be enough time to really get a good feel of the show. I thought nothing of it since it had always been that way in all the productions I’d done with this company. As it was, both of those rehearsals/performances went off without a hitch.

Through it all, I floated above whatever was happening, sitting at my table and watching all the action. My main role seemed to be that of an observer, which became very prominent after being in almost every scene onstage. I did my best to find something to do, either smoking a fake cigarette, taking a drink of water, pretending it was liquor, talking on the phones on the tables, reading a newspaper. One or two moments that didn’t take place in the cabaret, I watched the song in the scene, such as “Maybe This Time.”

It was around this time that things started to become, for lack of a better word, interesting. And they continued to be that way as the run progressed.

First, sadly, Grace, one of the Kit Kat dancers and the understudy for Sally, had to step out a week before opening. She somehow got hurt at a rehearsal; I wasn't there, and I never asked how, so don't ask me what happened. Austin filled in for her all the way through the first weekend and it was as if she’d always been there. Being the swing in this show, she had to know everyone’s “track” as it’s called. If one of the women dancers had to step out, she had to step in and do whatever that person did. She was so well prepared you would never have known she was the swing for anyone who could not go on.

As if that were not enough, the theatre gods threw another curve at us on the Tuesday tech rehearsal, which was our last rehearsal before we had an audience. That night, a 4.4 earthquake struck Santa Rosa, followed by a 3.9 aftershock. The epicenter was only two miles from us. I was onstage watching as the dancers were finishing lift call and waiting for fight call to begin. Alex, Nafe and Noah were all lifting Erin and carrying her forward when I suddenly felt shaking. At first, I thought it was them moving across the stage very hard, but the building and the set kept rattling after they put her down. I had one thought in my head with that: Get out of the building! I turned and made a break for the exit. Everyone in the building had to get out and it was a good half hour before we could reenter. Mercifully, no further aftershocks happened, and no damage was done to the set or the building. We did manage to do a run through of the show, though we didn’t get out of the theater until well past 11:00.

This particular version of the musical ends with everyone being loaded onto a train to be taken away to a concentration camp. Izaak and I played Nazi soldiers/agents (whatever you call them) and we were the ones who closed the sliding door after they all went through. That first night, with the costumes, lights, sounds and full music, I felt a chill run through my body. The same thing happened again on opening night. It’s a very haunting moment in the show and it made my skin crawl to play this kind of role, wearing a Nazi armband. I couldn’t get that thing off my arm fast enough the instant I got offstage I don't mind telling you.

Me as Max

Three of the first performances in front of an audience (and I’m including the two invited dress rehearsals) were sold out. It certainly was wonderful feeling to have a full house, especially since the first one gave us a standing ovation. But the euphoria didn’t last.

That first weekend, there was a Covid outbreak in the cast. On Sunday, one hour before call time, we received an email that someone had gotten a positive Covid test. We were all requested to do an at-home test before going to the theater (I also scheduled a last-minute PCR test after receiving the message). We got into costume, did all our warm-ups, but then fifteen minutes before curtain, Celina, the stage manager, told us all, in a very serious voice, to get on the stage “right now!” (Uh-oh, this can’t be good). Another person had tested positive, and they made the painful decision to cancel the performance. (Damn!)

The following day, we got email saying what the game plan was for the second weekend. From what I gathered; five people had tested positive. We would be down four of the women dancers and the Emcee. To that end, Alex would go on as the Emcee (he was the understudy for that role), the company’s managing director would step in as one of the dancers, Nafe would play Alex’s role, and Noah would play Nafe’s role. That plan, however, did not go forward.

In the end, by my count, eight people tested positive…including me. Though I didn't feel anything Sunday morning, I started to feel some symptoms (like fatigue) coming on later in the evening and the next day, when I took another at home test after receiving the email with the game plan, there was no mistaking the two solid lines. Unbelievable. I had managed to make it two and a half years without getting Covid (knowingly, that is) only to get it at one of the worst possible times. I had to settle for the reality that I would most likely not go onstage at all for the second weekend. That reality came to pass the next day when we received an email saying that entire week was cancelled because too many people had tested positive. At least my mother wasn’t coming until the third weekend so I could hope I’d recover in time for that. Also, at the very least, the week that was cancelled was only the second one in the run and there would still be three more once we resumed. I could only wait and hope that nothing else would happen to further impede the show.

Never having had Covid myself (again, knowingly), I wasn’t sure how long I would be positive. A part of me worried that we would lose two weekends. If you ask me, having it was more of an inconvenience than a medical emergency. The first four days were the worst with joint pains, a sore throat, diarrhea and fatigue. While my energy levels didn’t fully recover for over a week, had this disease had any other name, I wouldn’t have been expected to isolate and could have easily gone on for a weekend of shows. Fortunately, I tested negative the following Wednesday, just in time for the third weekend to begin.

On Saturday of the cancelled weekend, I got a little present. Tara, Stephanie and Erin were going around paying a visit to those infected and gave us a present. My get-well bag included some Ricola cough drops, some tea bags, tissues, a little Squishmallow plushie, and some little Kit Kat bars. It was very sweet of them. And their timing was impeccable. On that night, I chose to watch the 25th anniversary performance of Phantom of the Opera at the Royal Albert Hall and they rang the doorbell at the part when the chandelier crashes to the floor; in other words, when it's intermission. 

 

The Gift

I’m still scratching my head over how Erin was lucky to avoid contracting Covid. She and I had a kiss onstage. And while I may have only tested positive on Monday, I was already infected a few days earlier and we had done that kiss each day. You would think that alone would have done it. Not that I wish she had gotten it, mind you.

Interestingly enough, ours wasn’t the only production affected. Covid cut a bit of a swath through the theatre community that month. One production cancelled before even opening and at least two others cancelled their closing weekends. I believe, in pre-Covid times, something like this would have been referred to as “There’s something going around.”

Since we lost a full weekend of shows, the playhouse managers asked if we were willing to add more performances to our run. In this case, two Wednesday shows, two Sunday evening shows, one more Thursday and one more Saturday matinee show. From everyone’s availability, the Wednesday shows were not an option, but the other four were added on. That meant that, for the third and fourth weekends of the run, we would be doing one show on Thursday and Friday, two shows on Saturday and two shows on Sunday. Six shows in four days. The most I’d ever done in one weekend was five shows in four days. Doing six in that amount of time would be as close to Broadway level performing as I would have ever been.

To avoid confusion, I’ll refer to each weekend onward as what it was regardless of the cancelled second weekend. We resumed performances on Thursday of the third weekend and that weekend would be when I had my chance to go on as Ernst. The understudy performance had been scheduled for the Saturday matinee of that weekend even before the run started. Unfortunately, since people were still positive all the way up to that Thursday, we didn’t have time to fully do a proper rehearsal for all the understudies to review their parts. But there was some hesitancy with the understudy performance which made me question whether it would happen.

Stephanie, who was the understudy for Fraulein Kost (normally played by Tara), did not feel comfortable going on that weekend because she didn’t have enough time to prepare, and she wanted to settle back into her normal role. In fact, she was fine if anyone else wanted to take over the understudy role. Izaak, who was the understudy for Cliff (normally played by Damion), was in rehearsals for a show that would open shortly after Cabaret closed and he made it known early on that he could not commit to an understudy rehearsal at all since he needed to devote all his free nights to rehearsing for his other show.

In the end, only Grace (a reminder- the understudy for Sally Bowles) and I would be going on for that performance, while Izaak would go on in my role so that they wouldn’t lose any of the Kit Kat boy dancers and he could stay in the show and do his part in the Entr’act. I all but begged for the chance to go on as Ernst, even if it would only be once. I'm sure Grace felt the same about playing Sally. Originally, Noah had been cast as my understudy, but I don’t know what they were thinking: he was too tall and far too handsome to be a convincing Max or at least how I envisioned Max. Most of the cast met on Wednesday, the day before the third weekend of shows was to begin, for a rehearsal so that Grace and I could work on our blocking, songs (what little I had that is) and, in Grace’s case, dances. By the end of the rehearsal, I felt I was definitely ready to go on when the time came. And then, when we at last resumed performances, something very unfortunate happened.

On the first show of the third weekend, we lost Nafe. During the Entr’acte, which is a big dance number, something went wrong. I saw it happen: Nafe got knocked over at one point and hurt his wrist, though I didn't realize that. It didn’t look too bad to me; one of those "Ha ha, he fell down" moments. Since I spent the second act mostly onstage, I didn’t actually realize how bad it was until I finally was offstage in the penultimate scene nearly a half hour later. Even during the scene before that, which was the fight scene, I didn’t notice that Izaak was doing Nafe’s part. I only saw two legs where Nafe normally stood, kicking. The injury was bad enough to cause Nafe to be out for the rest of the week.

You won’t believe it, but somebody was able to save the day the next night and the rest of the weekend. Nate, our music director was able to find someone to go on in Nafe’s place at the last minute. One of his friends, Marco Franco, who had done dancing and cheer since he was a teenager, had a ticket to come see the show on that particular evening. At 3:00 that day, Nate asked him if he would be willing to go on in the show instead, to which he agreed. He was at the theater at 5:00 learning as much as he could in only one and a half hours of rehearsal and getting fitted for costumes. Thankfully, due to his experience, he was a quick study. He was not in every dance number Nafe did: for the Friday and Saturday matinee shows, he was in “Willkommen,” “Mein Herr” and half of the Entr'acte. By the Saturday evening show, they added him into “Money, Money,” but still not the rest of the Entr-acte. I watched him and only him the first night during his dances and, I must say, I was impressed; he had them down. As I said, he definitely saved the day and at the curtain call, he got his much-deserved recognition from Michael (the Emcee).

Still, I felt really bad for Nafe; no sooner did we resume performances than he was forced to step aside again.

It was over a year later when I found out that there had actually been another dancer who had been contacted. He worked in South San Francisco and got the call asking if he could do it. He said yes, left work early, and then sat in rush hour traffic for over two hours. Then, when he made it to Petaluma, only one half hour away, he received a call telling him he wasn't needed after all. It turned out that Devin decided on Marco since he was Nate's friend and she didn't want to work with a dancer who was a complete stranger and had no connection to anyone in the show.

The understudy performance, which was the Saturday matinee, went very well. Grace was terrific as Sally, and I got many compliments from the cast on my performance. I thought Erin might take her free time to stay at home and relax all day, but there was no way she was going to miss this. She watched the performance from the booth, loving every minute of it. Quite a few of the women in the cast, particularly Tara and Stephanie, were very sweet, checking in with me, asking how I was feeling and telling me I was doing a good job. To be sure, there were a couple hiccups, like confusion over the set changes, since Izaak and I had switched roles, but the show steamed ahead. And yet, it somehow felt comfortable to slip back into my normal role for the evening show. And, as it turned out, that would not be the last time I’d step in as Ernst.

While they had scheduled two Sunday evening performances to make up for the lost weekend, Izaak was unwilling to do those. Since he was one of those who got Covid, he couldn't go to work for a week, and he really did not want to take more time off and lose any more money because of that. By this time, they had become dead set against Noah or any other of the male dancers stepping out to cover someone, so even though the program said Noah was my understudy, it wasn’t going to happen. Originally, Celina had suggested that Nafe to come in and be Max. That way someone who knew the show well enough could do it, but that didn’t end up working out after all. Whether it was because his wrist injury didn’t allow or he just didn’t want to, I do not know, but they weren’t going to let it stop them from the show going on. Celina reached out to another actor, Skylar King, who had done two shows at the Playhouse already that year, asking him if he could do it and, to her immense delight, he agreed. She did have a list of backup men though if he had declined.

I took it upon myself to look after Skylar, making sure he knew where and when he was supposed to be on stage, that he made his set changes, etc. I wouldn’t say for certain that this was my hardest, most stressful performance of any show I’ve done, but it was definitely up there. I had to keep one eye on him and the other eye on my own things. The entire time I kept thinking things like "That scene's done, what comes next?" or "So far so good." It wasn’t until the third scene of the play that I realized I only had to get him through the first act and then the second would be slightly easier. The main reason for that was because the character Max has no scene changes in the second act. 

Nevertheless, I made sure to be onstage during all the songs in the first act that take place in the cabaret (“Willkommen,” “Don’t Tell Mama,” “Mein Herr,” “Two Ladies,” and “Money, Money”). As I got off the stage for my next scene change, I would whisper to him things like “Come with me,” or “Stay here until I signal you,” while acting with my body to portray like I was reacting to the scene. I was going to have him sit out the final scene in the first act since he didn’t know the song or the blocking (what little there was), but Devin came to the rescue. She decided that he would be her date in the scene, and she led him through it. How well he did, I couldn’t say because all my action was downstage, and I never looked upstage at all.

I made two mistakes with my own scene changes during that performance; trying to keep track of two performances at once, something was bound to slip my mind. I mainly took over the ones Izaak did since Max usually stays onstage during them. But the first one, which led into “Mein Herr,” I missed because I don’t think I ever noticed that Izaak was the one who took that particular piece of furniture. Luckily, Ginger covered that one. The second one I missed was in the second act before the final scene because, while I made sure to get it in my head that I had two set changes for that act, I was too busy running through the final scene with Skylar. I also froze for a moment on one of my lines; I nearly started the line with “Nein” instead of “Ja.” Probably not a big deal, since the rest of the line was in German and who in the audience knew German anyway?

It wasn’t a perfect show, not that I expected it to be. It was a lot for one person to absorb, with so little notice (not to mention my own missteps), but Skylar did a very capable job in the role. Nobody in the audience was any the wiser that he was on with only at best one hour of preparation and I'm sure for any hiccup that happened, they would easily forget it. Still, I was immensely relieved when the performance was over. After the curtain call, I went to the dressing room and slumped into my chair, thankful we got through it. Even the next day, hours after it was over, I still felt the stress and nerves from the night before for a few hours. 

I had various scene partners, depending on the role. As Max, my main scene partner, however brief, was Erin. As Ernst, while I had moments with her, Dwayne (Herr Schultz), Ginger (Fraulein Schneider) and Tara (Fraulein Kost), my main scene partner as Ernst was Damion (Cliff). All of them took my playing the role in their stride and did nothing different other than adjust to a different actor. Tara in particular checked in with me the next day after my first time as Ernst and asked how I thought it went. Another night, I felt her reassuring hand on my back as we walked offstage at the end of the first act. I, and Grace for that matter when she stepped in, was fortunate to have Damion for a scene partner. He was a very capable and professional individual. He had only recently returned to performing after stepping away for a few years to pursue a career as a therapist with a focus in drama therapy.

On the following weekend (the fourth) Grace finally returned to the show. The dancers (however many made it) had one rehearsal on Wednesday so that she could have a review. It was as though she was never gone. In the meantime, Austin was finally able to watch the show from the outside. Also, during that rehearsal, they taught another replacement the dances (more on that shortly).

Sadly, also on that weekend, Nafe left the show permanently. His hand was now in a cast, and he did not have clearance from his doctor to resume with the show, which was required by the company. They weren't sure at the time if his wrist was broken Apparently, a broken wrist can take as long as two weeks to show up on an x-ray, but later on, it was confirmed that that did happen. He was asked by another cast member if he would like to be in the cabaret area onstage where I usually was; just wear a suit and sit there the whole show. He said he didn’t want to; it would be too painful. He came to the theater to gather his belongings on Thursday before the show. After the physical warm-up, most of the cast gathered in a circle, arms hugging around each other, while he said his goodbyes. In the circle, with only Erin standing between me and him, I could see the tears welling up in his eyes and hear his voice breaking. It really broke my heart to see that. It truly wasn’t fair for him that it ended that way; all those weeks of rehearsal and work and then only getting one weekend of performances.

Noah assumed Nafe’s role of Victor and, with the exception of the Friday show of that weekend, Marco assumed a full place in the show. On that Friday, Marco had a previous engagement, working at a breast cancer awareness event, but they found a man named Delaney Brumme to step in for him. They rehearsed with him for nearly three hours that week on that Wednesday. It was the same as when Marco first stepped in: Delaney only did “Willkommen,” “Mein Herr,” the second half of the Entr’act, as well as one brief scene where he had no lines. As I had when Marco first stepped in, I watched only Delaney during his dances, and he did just as good a job. However, I will say that Marco’s first show was more impressive since he only had an hour and a half before going on the same night.

It was in that particular performance during “Willkommen,” that I didn’t tense up. During the opening, when the Emcee introduces the Cabaret boys, Nafe (later Marco) would come out and stand there, then Alex would come out running and do a leap over him, and finally Noah would do the same, leaping over Alex. It always made me nervous watching them leap over each other, thinking that either one of them would hit their head or not clear the person they were leaping over. But at this performance, since Delaney was too tall for Alex to leap over, they did something else. First Delaney and Noah were introduced, not jumping over each other, then they locked arms, and Alex ran forward and jumped right into them making a flying Superman pose. I realized that’s what he was about to do even before he ran forward, and I felt very relieved that there would be no problems there.

On the Saturday evening performance of the fourth week, Marco finally did all the Entr’act moments that the male dancers did. That is, some gymnastic tricks. When I saw him starting at the same moment they did, I thought “He’s finally doing this part. Cool beans, way to go.” In the moment after they begin, the men usually did a cartwheel, Alex did a somersault, Noah did a double toe touch jump, but Marco did a forward cartwheel and a back flip. That’s right. A back flip. That quickly became something I enjoyed seeing every performance. Looking back, I shouldn’t have been surprised since he had been doing cheer since he was sixteen.

Every performance of this show was either sold out or within a few seats of selling out. It’s always a wonderful feeling to see a full house. There were three exceptions: the understudy matinee, the first Sunday evening show (probably because there wasn’t enough notice to sell more tickets), and one Thursday show that was a special performance for the Sonoma Academy. It was always a mystery as to what kind of audience we’d have. Some gave us a standing ovation, others didn’t. Some audiences were quiet, others vocal, evening booing the Nazi moments (Yay!). One Sunday evening show had a smaller, quiet audience, but they all stood at the end. You never really know what kind of audience you’ll be playing to.

Sitting onstage for most of the show could be a bit long at times. I was constantly looking for different ways to keep myself entertained and not look like a statue. Every night during the dance numbers that take place in the cabaret, I watched someone different every night, which was harder to do if the person I was watching was on the other side of the stage. My main props were a cigarette, a bottle of “alcohol” (really water) and a glass, a newspaper and the telephone on the table. Over the course of the show, I would drink the entire bottle, smoke every now and then, read the paper in most scenes and talk on the phone. I was always alone at my table, even when other people came on. I certainly wouldn’t have minded someone joining me or sitting on my knee.

Always smoking

Over time I developed little stories in each scene when I used the phone. For instance, in the scene with the song “It Couldn’t Please Me More,” the story was that Max took a sip of his drink, realized something was not right about it and spoke on the phone to someone to find out why. In the scene with the song “Married,” Max would speak to an old flame, find out she was married and be a bit depressed, lost in his thoughts by the time Fraulein Kost came on to sing her part. In the first scene with dialogue in the second act, Max would be speaking on the phone with people who were about to throw a brick in the shop of Herr Schultz. I had to do something to pass the time especially in scenes which I felt seemed long, and there were one or two which seemed lengthy to me.

There were also certain moments in the show I came to enjoy watching/hearing since I saw almost everything. They included Tara singing in German during “Married,” the gymnastic tricks the men did during the Entr’act (especially Marco's back flip), and Erin singing “Maybe This Time.” My personal favorite moment in the show was watching Alex, Devin and Madeline prance around and singing “Two Ladies.” During the scene before it, which was my only scene offstage in the first act, I would see the three of them running through it every time without fail. Unfortunately, I could never stay for all of it or any other song for that matter; I had to leave the stage before the end of the songs to get ready for my next set change.

There are two moments in the show, in our production at least, where a character takes off a coat, revealing a swastika armband. The first is at the end of Act one when Ernst takes off his coat. The second is at the end of the show when the Emcee takes off his, revealing that he’s now a Nazi. In this regard, our production was slightly different than what’s written in the script. In the script the Emcee takes off his coat revealing that he’s wearing the clothes of a concentration camp prisoner. Often, there would be gasping or murmuring from the audience at these two revelations, especially the Emcee’s. It wasn’t until I stepped in as Ernst, however, that I actually heard it much more audibly. When the Emcee revealed his, I was so far upstage I more often than not didn’t hear anything. Then on the two Saturday shows of the third weekend, it was definitely audible enough to reach my ears.

The first Swastika revelation also showed that some people were either triggered or didn’t know about this show at all. At least on two occasions, someone in the audience got up and left at the end of the first act. Damion spotted these instances and relayed them to us at intermission. I never saw anyone get up and leave (without my glasses, I couldn't see clearly into the house when facing straight into the lights), but I did notice there were a few more empty seats during the second act than there had been during the first. Honestly, this show takes place in Germany in the 1930s. What did they expect?

The Sunday evening show of the fourth week was the last time I would get to play Ernst. This show was a bit more relaxing than the first Sunday evening show a week earlier, but not much. Overall, it went much better: Skylar was a bit more prepared, having done the show once, and I made doubly sure to get all my set changes this time. There was one mistake in the final scene when Skyler was supposed to overturn the cabaret tables and chairs, and he did it too early. Maybe he misunderstood me when I said it was supposed to happen. Celina did invite him to come watch the show from the booth for the matinee performance so he could watch and understand what he'd have to do, but he couldn't make it.

The audience on this night, however, was too quiet in the beginning. I went out of my way to get laughs out of them and get them involved. I think I succeeded especially in “Mein Herr” by going “Rrrrrrr” with my tongue. It took a little time, but over the course of the performance they became more and more vocal. Michael as the Emcee was always hard at work every performance getting the audience invested, with ad-libbing and speaking directly to them. By the end of the show that night, they were definitely enjoying it and even gave us a standing ovation.

Before the final weekend commenced, we received an email asking if we’d like to do one more weekend. Ummm…what? The show may have been selling out, but I always assumed it would end on October 16 at the latest. That’s how long my participation contract said anyway. My guess is that it was selling so well, they wanted to get as much as they could out of it. They asked for our availability on Thursday, Friday and two Sunday shows (I believe that Saturday the playhouse had a previously scheduled engagement). I could have done Thursday and Friday, but Sunday was out of the question since I’d already made plans, had had to change them once already when I was cast in the show, and it was hard enough to do that the first time around. In the end, the availability from everyone was not enough for another weekend.

Closing weekend was a bit tough for me. First, on Thursday after the show, I went bachata dancing with some of the cast. It turned out they had been doing that for some weeks prior, but this was the first I'd ever heard of it. I was very hesitant since I'm not much of a dancer (at least not partner dancing), but Stephanie managed to convince me to go. Our little group consisted of me, Stephanie, Tara, Erin, Devin, Austin, Marco and Nate. While it was fun, I didn’t get home until nearly one in the morning. I only got about five, maybe five and a half hours of sleep since I had to get up at 6:30 to get ready for work.

On the following night, I went out after the show again because it was Alex’s 21^st birthday. I might have skipped it otherwise, but since he turned 21, it was a special occasion. I spent the night having a couple drinks with him, Stephanie, Tara, Marco, Malia, Erin, Isaak, Noah, and Luca, our set designer (I hope I didn’t forget anyone) and having a good time. As the night went on, everyone in our group left one by one. Stephanie was rather insistent I text her to tell her I got home safely (Yes, Mom)

On a side note, Stephanie was definitely the sweetest one in the cast, with Tara in a close second. She had a pre-show ritual before every performance where she would lock pinky fingers with everyone, and she the other person would kiss their fists. She made sure to get everybody. In the previous show I did, someone else’s preshow ritual was to say, “Break a leg, got your back” and hug everyone, but she never hugged me. Because of that, I was grateful that Stephanie didn’t skip over me.

Coming back to Friday night, I thought for sure since I had the next day off and I had a couple drinks, I might be able to sleep in. Nope. I only got maybe five hours of sleep again and I just couldn't go back to sleep again. And I had to do two shows that day! I was incredibly sleepy all day and I thought “I’m not gonna make it.” During the dinner break, after I’d eaten, I lay down and rested backstage on the constructed bed used in the show. Some in the cast had plans to go out again after the performance, but I chose not to this time. My bed seemed more inviting.

For our final performance, Nafe and Austin both returned to the theater to see the show through to the end. Nafe watched the show from the booth. Austin participated in the show in “Willkommen,” “Money” and the Entr’act and at other times, she sat at one of the tables onstage watching the action.

Quite a few in the cast were very sad the day of closing. A number of them, especially the dancers, had wanted to continue on with that extra weekend. In the closing scene, while I was standing upstage waiting to close the sliding door that was supposed to be a train, I heard and saw Tara softly crying only three feet away behind the door on the stage left side of the archway as she waited to close it. Because my attention was diverted to there, I did not notice that on Michael’s final line, “Auf Wiedersehn. A Bientot,” his voice cracked. Then, as I walked to the other side of the stage to take my place in the curtain call line, I saw both Noah and Marco crying. Completely understandable, since the dancers had rehearsed together for many weeks, spending several days together, going out after performances, and, as I said earlier, they had developed such a close bond with each other.

It wasn’t until after I left the cast party that I started to feel sad. Very sad. But I couldn’t understand why. I didn’t quite feel a strong connection to the show that others did. I hadn’t really gotten the chance to build any bond with the rest of the cast and by the time I started to hang out with them, it was too late. Hmm…maybe that was why. Or maybe it was because I knew I had no project lined up in the immediate future. The nearest project I felt to be certain was not until the following summer. Doing this show had been a real adventure, giving me something to look forward to and now that it was over, I felt somewhat without a purpose. Although, at the same time, I was a bit relieved that the show ended and that it didn’t extend another weekend. I was very tired and ready to have my evenings back.

The two months I was involved in this production went from being a kiddie ride to a roller coaster. The rehearsal period was so-so; more than once I wondered, “Why am I here?” The performance period…well, that was another matter entirely, for better or worse. One dancer getting injured a week before opening and forced to step aside temporarily; an earthquake on our last rehearsal night without an audience; a Covid outbreak that cancelled a weekend of shows; a second dancer getting injured and forced to leave the show; not one but two replacements for him going on with, at most, only two hours of rehearsal; doing six shows in four days (twice!); me getting on as an understudy three times; and keeping the person covering my role on track with very little preparation at all.

More than once, I wondered whether we’d make it through unscathed. To that end, the words dedication, devotion and perseverance come to mind. The cast was dedicated to the show and worked very hard to see that it made it through. The amount of effort they put into this and the time they gave up in exchange was truly admirable. For a show where I mostly sat at a table, watching everything, this was a very exhausting experience and, as I said, I was rather relieved when it was over.

And, truth be told, I wouldn’t exchange the time I had in this show for anything.